In a new press release, Columbia officials have announced they are extending campus gates. “As the fall semester approaches, we want to restate our commitment to ensuring safety for all members of our community. In consideration of these goals, all gates will be extended upwards and over the campus, meeting in the middle to form a gridded roof. This delightful little cage (we like to call it “Roar-ee’s Cozy Zoo!”) will ensure total protection from anything that could disrupt campus life, including but not limited to: people who have opinions on current events, your elderly grandmother that you did not register for visiting access early enough, or the common Harlem resident.”
University representatives reassured the Columbia community not to worry, as the gates will be “wide enough to fit NYPD drones through, for the classic, homey surveillance students expect and adore.”
