Given the recent announcement by the US Department of Education that Columbia University no longer meets accreditation standards, President Shafik Armstrong Shipman (or whoever we’re on now) has confirmed that the recently graduated class of 2025 will be the last class to officially receive degrees from Columbia University.
“Columbia is a law-abiding institution,” said Shipman in her latest word salad, “and as a result we abide by the law. We will continue to uphold our core values and all that good stuff by maintaining our strategy towards dealing with this presidential administration: rolling over and taking it.”
Senior administration is reportedly considering alternative uses for Columbia’s resources while maintaining its role as an academic institution. Some options include COWARD (Columbia Operates Without Any Real Dignity: Decision-Making Workshops for Senior Leadership Prioritizing Stockholder Value) and offering a new set of elite pre-college programs in a new building called Columbia University Nepotism Tower (CUNT).
