A Letter from the Desk of Interim President Katrina Armstrong:
Dear Columbia Community,
I recognize that these past few months have been uniquely challenging. Restrictions on campus coupled with rising tensions surrounding demonstrations and free speech have clouded my tenure with turmoil. Recently, students were offered a poll to express their opinions about current campus conditions, and I want you all to know that I was seriously considering to seriously consider your responses. Suddenly, however, I had a much better idea: hire Mike Pompeo! It was right there the whole time!
Gear up Morningside, because now that Big Mike is in town, everything’s about to get way better. What’s the best way to repair trust between the administration, the student body, and the neighborhood we are actively gentrifying? Open the gates? Make good on our promises to the community and to the first amendment rights of students? Or, alternatively, employ former Trump Secretary of State Michael Richard Pompeo? It’s the perfect idea, and now is the perfect time for it. Yes, Mike! Thank you, Mike! Save us, Mike!
Guys, nobody has to be upset anymore. I’ve figured it out. I’ve brought in someone who is generally considered the worst Secretary of State of all time, and he’s going to teach a class about diplomacy. This is the academic equivalent of the Lakers getting Luka, if Luka had rabidly denied the 2020 election results. And do you remember that time when he pushed for further CIA authority to conduct drone strikes in Afghanistan (in and out of war zones)? Now that was epic. That’s the kind of enthusiasm we need at Columbia.
I am so stoked about this. I really think this is gonna help things. Oh boy, can you imagine swiping in at the last two remaining campus entrances, removing your mask at the demand of an Allied Universal security guard, and walking past the lawns covered with heavy machinery and garbage? The whole time you’re like, “What if I run into Trump’s second pick for secretary of state (in his first term)? What if I see him in a dining hall, calling a Middle Eastern person a terrorist?” That’s awesome. This is so awesome.
I can’t believe we got him. The Mike Pompeo, notable climate change denier and torture advocate, on our campus. This is big for us. We’re lucky he wasn’t quite heinous enough to get called back for Trump’s second term.
While this is obviously an outstandingly celebratory moment in Columbia’s history, I do recognize that some students may still feel frustrated or unsafe with current campus conditions. We see your struggle, and we’re doing something about it: starting tomorrow, any Columbia student can call the Mike Pompeo hotline at 212-555-MIKE to anonymously share their concerns and feelings with Mikey P himself, any time of the day or night. Get to know each other. He can probably relate to whatever you’re feeling, as long as it’s about how you accidentally violated the Hatch Act, or how you might get caught by the ICC for the stuff you oversaw in Afghanistan. That’s his area of expertise.
I did it, everybody. I finally fixed the campus. Me and Mike Pompeo. The dream team. A couple of heroes. Godspeed, Mike Pompeo! God bless you, Mike Pompeo! I love you, Mike Pompeo!
