This Valentine’s Day, ask your lover for the most romantic gift of all: a little space, for Christ’s Sake! As a “holiday special,” Barnard’s Primary Care Health Services will be offering separation surgeries to couples at the college who have found themselves, quite literally, joined at the hip. This news comes as no surprise given that the college’s rates of anxious attachment styles have skyrocketed in recent weeks following the culmination of winter break. Federalist reporters have noted an increase of makeouts in the Diana Center, linked carabiners connecting partners, and dorm “mega-beds” formed by pushing two twin-XLs together.
This service came to fruition following a unanimous vote by the Consortium of Suitemates United Against Giggling and Yapping (COSUGAY), a committee that serves the college’s residential life office and collaborates with other campus entities. In an attempt to prolong separation post-surgery, PCHS will remove all Dental Dams and UTI medications from the Brooks vending machines.
