In a stunning report that sent rigid shockwaves through both the Barnard and Columbia campuses, the Columbia University Center for Canoodling (CUCC) unveiled its latest findings on what gets Columbia students the closest to scoring a date. The conclusion? As we all naturally expected, the line:
“Ayy are you a mosquito? Cuz I’d like to smash the shit out of you.”
This revolutionary pickup line, dubbed “The Mosquito Maneuver” by researchers, boasts an effectiveness rate of 69.0%—a figure described by CUCC director Dr. Culicis Suckland to be “absolutely huge, girthy, and enormous.”
“These hard, solid facts underscore my commitment to ensuring every Columbia student is coming to a campus where they can get laid,” President Katrina Armstrong said. “Our hope is that this groundbreaking research will aid in the creation of more legacy babies: a bigger, better pipeline for Columbia’s future.”
The report described a three-month field study conducted near and around campus favorites, including Butler Library, Joe Coffee, and random stairwells where emotionally fragile, stressed-out SEAS students cry. In these settings, researchers found that students equipped with the Mosquito Maneuver found themselves statistically significantly more likely to receive a phone number, a date, or, in one standout case, an “expedited trip to Pound Town.”
“This isn’t just some fluke,” Suckland said. “We controlled for every variable, including class year, weather, major, and location. As hypothesized, the Mosquito Maneuver was by far the most penetrating strategy for down-bad Columbia students.” However, the Mosquito Maneuver was significantly less effective when used by CS majors, Dr. Suckland said. Curiously, researchers found that CS majors instead found the most success when using the line “Are you Butler 4th floor? Because you smell like feet.”
The report was funded as part of a new campus initiative started by Armstrong after Sidechat complaints about being sexiled by your roommate plummeted this past year.
“When I found out this year’s undergraduates weren’t putting the cum in Columbia like they used to, I knew I had to take action,” Armstrong said. “I hope all Columbia undergraduates know I am firmly behind them, pushing, and pushing hard.”
