Following four years of disappointing returns exacerbated by the Coronavirus pandemic, Public Safety assuaged fears of its efficiency by bringing home the bacon big time: earning twenty-two million dollars in seized contraband during its most recent all-campus room check. “Recent pushes around divestment have made us worried that Columbia may be in for some unprofitable quarters, so we’re doing everything that we can do to ensure a profit,” reported Brian Gilbert, head of CU Public Safety. “If our stock holding tanks, we can more than offset the loss by selling 1500+ bongs we have confiscated from Columbia undergraduates.”
Reports from officers on the group were even more optimistic. “We’re very happy with this year’s outcome. It’s always a little hard to sell off the narcotics, but it gets a pretty good profit considering all the money we spend on these checks,” reported an officer while he was collecting extension cords and kettles from a Wein lounge. “I’m not even sure what some of these drugs are, but if they’re good enough for these damn nepo babies, they’re going on the market,” said an officer who asked us if we were recording her, and then immediately stopped talking to us.
While the resale of confiscated student items remains controversial, Columbia maintains that its policy is a key way that it gives back to the Morningside Heights community. Facebook Marketplace merchants, however, expressed concern over the imminent flood of listings to occur in mid April. “You log in one day, and suddenly you’re staring at more air conditioners, drones, coffeemakers, and ricecookers than you can imagine,” said a local Morningside Heights resident. “It’s utterly obscene. What am I supposed to do with a Golden Goose-themed grinder?” This question, and the concerns of dozens of other Morningside Heights residents, remain unanswered.