Attention! The Fed is rebranding. After decades of faithfully serving the Columbia community in our current form, we have decided to shift gears. However, we are still unsure what exactly the new look will be, so here are a couple of ideas that we encourage our readers to consider:
- The Federalist Set to Rebrand as the Feudalist; Focus on Serf-Related Satire
In the spirit of embracing medieval European culture, the Federalist is adopting the new name, the Feudalist. This new iteration of the paper will focus on serf-related satire pieces such as “That Feeling When You Have to Cultivate the Land During Midterms” and “What to Do When Your Vassal Friend Casually Suggests Going to a Super Expensive Restaurant for Dinner.”
The push for this new feel was headed by members of Columbia’s Feudalist University Coalition of Knights and Sires club, also known as FUCKS, who expressed their discontent with the lack of European cultural representation on campus.
Ramsey Bottomsworth (CC’24), the assistant treasurer at FUCKS, noted that “there’s just not that same spirit and appreciation for feudalist thought at Columbia as there used to be.” We hear Ramsey’s concerns, and will certainly consider them in the formulation of the next chapter of the Fed.
- The Federalist Set to Rebrand as the Fjordalist; A Shift to Nordic Content
With a recent push by the Columbia student body to see more Scandinavian representation in satire, the Federalist has decided to rebrand as the Fjordalist. The new feel for the paper will consist of politically and culturally significant zingers that hone in on what it means to be Scandinavian.
Bjorn Skrjnekian (SEAS ‘25) commented on his excitement surrounding the new look. “I think the Fjordalist is just what our student body needs. Too often, the Federalist’s humor just feels somewhat vapid and fjordinary. This will hopefully change that.”
We appreciate the constructive and thoughtful criticisms Bjorn shared with us, and we look fjordward to the next step in our paper’s journey.
- The Federalist is now the Fecallist
Get ready for Federalist #2 (aka the Fecalist). This shit-rag of a publication will be your one-stop shop and suppository for all defecatory satire. For far too long, students have complained about the Federalist’s enormous load of penis fountain jokes. Now, we at the Federalist can proudly say, “out with the dick and in with the deuce!” Other exciting transitional slogans include “for our paper’s betterment, let’s all write on excrement,” “save this publication and switch to defecation,” and “for the magazine’s improvement, let’s stick to bowel movement.” The new masthead will purportedly include the phrase “all the goop that’s fit to poop.”
