Good News Columbia! You Can Have Your Free Speech (But Please Go Do It Over There)

Good news, Columbia! The university has released new event policies that will strengthen our ability to make our voices heard and contribute to ongoing political conversations and in return, all they are asking us to do is to please, just take it down a notch. “We love that our students are so passionate about contributing solutions to global problems,” stated one administrator, who asked to remain anonymous. “But does it have to be so loud?”

“We want students to be able to protest while still finding the time to study and succeed in their extra curricular activities, which is why we have helpfully created Demonstration Areas and Regular Demonstration Times,” clarified a University Senate spokesperson, who also asked to remain anonymous. Students are now asked to confine their protests to campus coffeeshops and the still-snowy half of Futter field between the hours of 1:10-2:25 pm and 2:40-3:55 pm (15 minute break allotted for snacks). The Fed has not yet been able to reach students for comment, but we can imagine how overjoyed our politically engaged young minds must be. Thank God, they can finally get a good night’s sleep!

When asked how the university plans to respond to criticism regarding the new policies, yet another asked-to-remain-anonymous spokesperson snapped: “Don’t test me, fake newspaper.” Hey now! Let’s not get too crazy! As a famous philosopher once said, “I may disapprove of what you say, but I will always defend your right to say it in designated zones while classes are in session!”