Uniformed Men in Pink, Green, and White Destroy Cafe East Frozen Yogurt Machines

Last Sunday at 11:59 pm, Cafe East employee Earl Yearling returned from his smoke break to check on his latest batch of boba when he spotted two men deconstructing the on-campus café’s frozen yogurt machines. The two men were allegedly donning pink, green, and white jumpsuits in shades similar to the trademarked colors of Café East’s competitor on 111th.

Yearling told a Fed reporter he was “not shocked” due to Pinkberry’s lack of proper conduct in the past. “Hey, at least our frozen yogurt was approved by the FDA from the jump.” Yearling also referenced a pantsing incident that allegedly took place two weeks ago between him and a Pinkberry employee. A representative for Pinkberry declined to comment. 

Although there has been a period of peace between the competing yogurt mafias, Yearling told our Fed reporter that he believed this move was calculated retaliation to Cafe East’s poorly written peace treaty of 2020. Despite the destruction of the cafe’s machines, Yearling says he is happy that he was left unharmed and un-pantsed, as yesterday was tighty-whitey day. 

Consumers fear further escalation in the cold war between the two Columbia frozen yogurt purveyors. The attack on Cafe East’s machines represents the highest property damage on a retail location since an unnamed perpetrator graffitied the previous Pinkberry location with symbology described as “vaguely orientalist at best” by professors of the East Asian Studies department.