Dear Columbia: Give Me a Vagina Fountain or Give Me Death

Hi Columbia. It’s me again. I know you’ve heard my very loud and very public pleas over the last three expensive years that I’ve spent at your institution. You might’ve thought I would lose steam over this, but I am passionate about campus issues and you can never take that spirit away from me. It’s my senior year and frankly, I have nothing left to lose. So this is my last hurrah, my final attempt, my scream to be heard round the campus buildings. 

Give me a vagina fountain or give me death. 

It’s been a long time. The penis fountains have been erected for years, and yet where is the vagina fountain? I want it, and I want it now. It’s about damn time. 

What other way would you rather get the campus wet? The student population is bursting with excitement over the idea of it—imagine if that dream were to become reality. It would make a lot of lonely SEAS kids very happy. Don’t you want to make my wish come true?

The balls are officially in your court now, Columbia. Make it happen.