BREAKING: CDC Identifies New Disease Called ‘Sorority Ear’

Following the finalizations of sorority recruitment this week, the CDC has announced a new, dangerous illness pertinent to the sorority community, those adjacent to the sorority community, and those who have been near the sorority community for more than one minute. The new illness called “Sorority Ear” is similar in nature to swimmer’s ear—only completely different. 

Instead of an infection of the outer ear canal due to the presence of water in the ears, “Sorority Ear” is an infection of all parts of the ear particularly the tympanic membrane, referred to as the eardrum.

What, you may ask, is the cause of this dangerous disease? Usually, a patient is diagnosed with “Sorority Ear” after confirming they have heard excessive, discordant screeching, squawking, and shrieking outside the Low Steps, near the sundial, and outside of Dodge on Columbia University’s campus. These ear splitting sounds are hypothesized to be coming from young women in matching garb with various decorative elements in their hands. For example, a sign or ribbons.

Side effects include temporary hearing loss, the ability to hear shrieking for months and even years after sorority recruitment, and general annoyance or, alternatively, the urge to post on Twitter or SideChat regarding one’s general annoyance.

The CDC advises us all to please avoid long periods of time in the presence of these aforementioned congregations to prevent the illness from spreading.