The Right Honorable Baroness Shafik Announces First Initiative as President: Reclaiming Columbia in Honor of the British Throne, Returning to King’s College Roots.

Graphic by Dalia Etessami

LOW LIBRARY—We have just received word from Buckingham Palace that during her reign as Columbia University President, the Honorable Baroness Nemat Talaat “Minouche” Shafik will continue to proudly serve her duty as a crossbencher in the House of Lords and reassert the United Kingdom’s status and influence.

As of late, the strength of former colonial superpower England has been wavering. It began with the death of the beloved Queen Elizabeth II, followed by their Prime Minister getting outlasted by a head of lettuce.  In addition, they’ve faced a wave of hatred for the new King Charles III due to  his sausage fingers. The public’s response to the release of Prince Harry’s memoir Spare  was the last straw, revealing way more information than anyone ever wanted to know about the royal family. In these trying times for the monarchy, King Charles trusts Baroness Shafik to help shore up faith and support for British traditions by reclaiming this small token of their lost colonial empire.

The Baroness confirmed the statement via town square proclamation, declaring “From the day my reign begins, the University will return to its former glory and be known as King’s College. We will embrace our royal history, as a godly institution founded by King George II in 1754, and work to bring the spirit of British rule back to our beloved school.”

In addition to honoring the past, the Baroness also proposed that the school move towards an English-inspired campus culture. The soda in the soda machines will be replaced by Twinings English Breakfast and Earl Grey teas. The only breakfast foods served in John Jay and Ferris will be beans on toast and crumpets. Instead of stealthy gentrification efforts, Harlem will be officially annexed and absorbed into the Commonwealth. The Global Core requirement will be replaced with the course “Great Conquests of the British Empire,” where students will learn about all the places in the world the British have colonized through the lens of Anglican missionaries. All Public Safety uniforms will be replaced with the uniforms of the Buckingham Palace soldiers. Long may Honorable President Baroness Shafik reign.