Columbia Student Body Unsure of What to Hate About New President

In a shocking report, the Fed found that all 30,135 members of Columbia’s student body are still unsure of what they should hate about Nemat “Minouche” Shafik, the incoming president of their shared university. “Finally—it’s about time that Columbia had a female president. This is honestly a historic moment,” said one student, who asked to remain anonymous. “But then again, I’m sure she’ll do something bad. I read a Forbes article that says she’s a baroness, which sounds pretty bad… probably shouldn’t get too excited… Wait, are you going to publish this?”

Students appear split on whether they should try to find negative details about the president, or just wait till Spec tells them what not to like about her. “I mean, I heard that she worked for the International Monetary Fund, which is probably not great. But then again that’s kind of a girlboss move. Do we not like girlbosses anymore?” reported Ann Lynne, a sophomore in the College. Her concerns were echoed by Jake Lloyd, a junior studying economics and political science. “I’m happy to see a female economist reach such a prestigious position, but Bollinger said he likes her, which can’t bode well for Columbia’s future.” 

When asked for further comment, all students indicated that they were ”worried about how [Shafik]’s views would impact Morningside,” despite being unable to name a single policy position that Shafik has ever advocated for or supported.