Duo Upgrades to Trio, Will Require Blood Sacrifice for Authentication

Graphic by Lila Muscosky

In a move that once again proves how much student feedback matters to University administration, Duo, the infamous authentication app, has been modified into Trio. Now, instead of Duo’s two factor-authentication, Trio will require a third identity-verifying step: blood sacrifice. 

Many members of the Columbia community are not happy with this decision. Sidechat, a Columbia student-only anonymous posting app, blew up following the news. One freshman user told Federalist reporters that they posted three different hate comments directed at Trio, all of which got over 20 upvotes. “I’m like a micro-influencer now,” they claimed. “One post even got thirty upvotes. It said, ‘upvote if Trio is ratty as hell.’ I think it really resonated with students’ angst.”

Some students, however, are not so upset. “Hot take, but I actually think it’s super dope. So many students here don’t know who they really are, and I think this will help us be more intrinsically grounded in our physical forms,” said the most unbearable product of the echo chamber you’ve ever met.

The gathered blood will reportedly feed the spotted lanternflies between NoCo and Pupin.