Chef Mike Put My Grandma in His Subs

It’s always “Chef Mike’s Sub Shop,” “Chef Mike’s Grandma Special,” but they don’t know the truth. He always says he got the recipe from his grandma, but he didn’t say where he got the ingredients from. Why do you think it’s called the grandma special? They can’t keep serving the special much longer; I’m sure they’re already running out. 

The other day, I called my grandma to see if she needed help setting up her TV to get a live stream of the Bacchanal metaverse, and she didn’t pick up. This was extremely suspicious to me: what did she have better to do than answer me at all hours of the day? I trudged over to her apartment complex in the UES, and was shocked and repulsed at what I found. My own grandma, lying in her bed, clearly unable to pick up the phone due to her lack of fingers! Chef Mike was stuffing them in his hat like the grubby little hoarder he is. 

I am calling on my fellow Columbia students to boycott the consumption of Chef Mike’s subs and leave my grandma be.