“We Just Hate Women,” Barnard Dining Says to Complainers

“Whiner, whiner, chicken diner,” Barnard Dining representatives said in response to The Fed’s attempt to get an interview about recent complaints from Barnard students about their dining hall hours, calorie counts, food portions, and more.

By 5:20 p.m., Diana Center Cafe had reportedly run out of chicken, beef, ramen, pizza crusts, taco shells, tortillas, and Kombucha. When asked, a representative of Barnard Dining said that there were still “plenty of options,” such as “mushroom pizza topping and sour cream.”

When asked why a first-year was spotted slurping sour cream from her bare hands, the Barnard Dining representative responded, “We want Barnard students to have to get their steps in. Every day, we are going to hide the silverware dispensers in a NEW location, and Barnard students will have to scramble like little hamsters to eat their little gerbil food.”

The Fed gained access to an email chain in which Furman Counseling staff expressed concern that Barnard seniors on the 400-point commuter plan are literally vibrating as their dining dollars can only get them large iced oat vanilla lattes from Peet’s Coffee and Liz’s Place. In response, the Barnard Dining Director said, “Just shaking? We want them to be shitting their pants!”

The shaking seniors complained that their steady peers at Columbia can not only spend their dining points on food around Columbia’s campus, but they can also spend their Flex dollars at tons of independent food places near campus and even local businesses like the University Hardware store.

“Women certainly shouldn’t shop at a hardware store. Imagine if women started going to university hardware stores,” Barnard Dining’s rep said. “One day they’ll be all nice; the next, they’ll come home with power tools, nails, and Michelle Obama socks. What’s next? A copy of Betty Friedan’s ‘The Feminine Mystique’?!”

Barnard students at this point were becoming infuriated with the lack of sensitivity and respect from Dining, citing how ridiculous it was that Barnard dining displays calorie counts and Columbia dining doesn’t.

“It’s the final straw,” one sophomore said.

“No, you have to ask for straws,” the Dining rep responded when we read her that quote.


In response to complaints from students regarding Hewitt’s limited hours, they’ve decided to offer revised hours.

Mon: 3:45 a.m. – 5:00 a.m.
Tues: 8:00 a.m. – 7:00 a.m.
Wed-Thurs: Closed for the Sabbath
Fri: 8:00 a.m. – 4:19 p.m., 4:21p.m. – 6:00 p.m.
Sat-Sun: 12:33 p.m. – 12:34 p.m.