Breaking: FEMA Designates McBain “Disaster Area”

Artwork by Jules Michaud

This Sunday, the ​​Federal Emergency Management Agency officially designated McBain a “Disaster Area.” The agency typically reserves such designations for extreme events like wildfires, hurricanes, and nuclear meltdowns, but, according to a spokesperson, “no other category is appropriate for McBain’s current level of uncleanliness.”

Officials were first alerted to the hygiene crisis in McBain by reports that last weekend, at least three bathrooms per floor were soiled with puke from sophomores attempting to make up for a lost year of drinking in one night at Mel’s. “The images we received of the puke showed a disturbing mix of Koronet’s pizza, diet coke, and Chef Mike’s smoothies,” the FEMA spokesperson revealed. 

Following a week of close analysis, FEMA administrator Deanne Criswell made the final decision to go ahead with the disaster area designation.  “In my 20 years on this job, never have I seen flooding as bad as a McBain shower clogged with pubes and 3-in-1 shampoo. And that includes when I was on the ground during Hurricane Sandy.”

According to residents, the bathrooms are only a part of the problem. “Someone microwaved a tuna fish sandwich in the 5th floor lounge last week” said Connor Westbrook CC’24. “The smell is worse than the stench of burning plastic I’m used to from the wildfires back home in California.” Speaking on the cockroach infestation, Resident Advisor Abby Smith, CC ’22, said, “unless the situation is controlled ASAP, FEMA is going to have to call in the National Guard.”

The agency has been working closely with the university to set up temporary emergency shelters in Carlton Arms.