Classes 2023, 2024, and 2025 All Think They’re “First-Years”

The already chaotic homecoming of students to campus has been marked by further confusion over who exactly qualifies as a “first-year.” While there is agreement the class of 2025 is new to the school, students in classes 2023 and 2024 are reporting that they instinctively follow calls for first-years, from club advertisements to email blasts to overhearing NSOP preparations.

“The bedroom where I wrote my admissions essay on how thrilled I would be to study the Iliad is the same room where I cried as I tried to get through the Iliad. Yeah, I’m no sophomore,” a member of the class of 2024 explained.

“I had in-person college for less than six months, and apparently now I’m an upperclassman.  Someone could tell me Bacchanal is a music hum composer and I’d have no first-hand experience to dispute it,” a member of the class of 2023 told The Federalist. “The only thing that comforts me is that I’ve had the Columbia sweatshirt Doctor Strange was wearing in the Spiderman trailer for years. And NOW, thanks to the trailer dropping and everyone running to order it, it is not even unique to me anymore!”

While the class of 2022 is not reported to be responding to the term “first-year,” some report that they empathize with the other classes due to the soul-crushing fact that their arrival this fall as “seniors” has destroyed any sense of space or time no number of pictures on Low steps or 3AM runs to JJ’s can fix.