CDC Warns of Delta Phi Epsilon COVID Variant, With a 69% Fratality Rate

On Thursday the CDC issued a statement about the Delta Phi Epsilon COVID strain, warning that at 69%, it has the highest fratality rate of any known virus to date. The variant’s primary symptom is the irresistible desire of its male carrier to rush the nearest fraternity. Spreading primarily through ping pong ball contact, the CDC issued a recommendation to “keep a distance of six feet from the nearest red solo cup.”

Indeed, the only known treatment for the Delta Phi Epsilon variant is to rush, pledge, and initiate an infected individual to completion. Experimental treatments like the elephant walk, while controversial, have been shown to reduce symptoms. 

Social media campaigns praising the efforts of essential greek life workers were promoted at campuses across the country.

“That kind of stuff is really appreciated,” said one frat member, “especially because when frats are normally mentioned in a viral social media campaign it’s because people want to purge our organization from the Earth.”

While relatively little is known about this variant, experts believe it originated with Columbia student “brother patient zero” Cornelius Wiggins (CC ’22). In early July, he was the first person to return to his frat house since the pandemic began and drank the remnants of a jungle juice cooler brewed 16 months prior.

“It tasted a little funky,” Wiggins remarked. “But that might just have been because of the dead bat floating in it.” 

A vaccine is currently in the works, though many have expressed hesitation due to unscientific claims that it turns otherwise healthy people into Fed writers.