Olivia Rodrigo just dropped Sour, her debut album that documents all the stages of teenage heartbreak and angst in the aftermath of a breakup. I’m not trying to say this album isn’t for everyone, but I think people should make sure they consume it in the correct way, so please see this handy guide.
High schooler, never dated
Enjoy the album, it’s got some great songs, hope that you’ll know better when you start dating.
High schooler, just got dumped
I’m sorry, that really sucks. Take some comfort in knowing that the definitive teen heartbreak album was released at the perfect time for you and you can experience the album in all its glory.
High school senior, in a relationship
Download this album on Spotify and just enjoy the next few months as you plan to do long distance. You don’t need to listen to it now, but make sure you know where it is come October. If your boyfriend is going to Penn, make sure you also download Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” for good measure.
College freshman, never dated
You have plenty to be heartbroken about anyway. Have a good cry.
College freshman, just got dumped
IN THIS ECONOMY?! Yeah that’s nasty—have a quick cry, burn something small scale (think bookcase not house) and move on from them. Don’t even associate them with this album.
College sophomore, never dated
You can listen to this album, that’s okay. But please stop associating “Driver’s License” with how you felt when you got an unexpected A- in Data Structures.
College junior, ghosted on Hinge by a c-list celebrity
Get drunk and go viral singing this album in a subway station. You will quickly become far more famous than them and have far more to worry about.
Millennial, asked the person you’re seeing who works in finance to go exclusive and they said no
You’re the reason Bumble dates have a bad reputation. What did you expect? This is New York. Leave the teenage heartbreak pop to the teenagers.
It’s so sweet that you’re trying to engage with your teenage daughter’s interests and if you’re listening to this album, you’re doing a great job at it!
I guess you’re trying to be the fun relatable one, which I respect, but don’t get too toxic about it or anything.
Parent, divorced and ex has started dating someone closer in age to your eldest child
Yeah, in the name of preventing the California wildfires this summer, please stop listening to the album and throw away your lighter.
Wasn’t expecting this, don’t have any advice.
Octogenarian, divorced, rich
Heyyy, how’s your day been? Want to get drinks or something this weekend haha.
65, Currently divorcing, co-founder of Microsoft Corporation
You silly goose 🤪🤪 How have you been boo? Did I tell you I love those glasses, haha I’m such a nerd. You like computers? No way, me too! I’d love to get dinner with you sometime and we could … 🥺 talk about computers haha 😹😻😻