In a highly generous (and unexpected) move, Columbia has agreed to provide interim housing to students this week in the period between Wednesday and Friday. Many students have complained that this is called “Thursday” and was already included in the contracts we signed eight months ago; however, Bollinger reassured the community in a press release on Tuesday that the decision makes a lot of $ense when you think about it.
If their late-April test run is successful, the university plans to expand interim housing to include even more fringe dates, such as the ineffable, completely unmanageable period between Sunday and Tuesday, as well as the time between when you take a shit and flush the toilet. “It’s all about accessibility,” explained Bollinger, as he signed off on the $300 nonrefundable interim housing fee from his townhouse in upper Manhattan.
Students who do not register for interim housing will be expected to check out and then check back in 30 seconds later, before completing 53 covid gateway tests and filling out 518 travel forms. They will also be placed on conditional probation. As a condition of their probation, students must register for interim housing. In a follow-up email, Ira Katznelson emphasized that interim housing is completely optional and that the doors in Hamilton will “probably” be open on Thursday anyway.
Hadley Carson, who currently lives on John Jay 14 and is completely unaffiliated with Columbia University but could not show us a student ID, explained that she was overjoyed at the news. “For me, this is about quality of life. I think finals week was a great time to begin the process of evicting the entire student body. It really emphasizes how much people need houses.”