A Presidential Stool: Bollinger Hospitalized, Not For COVID

Artwork by Whitney Deng

SCHERMERHORN HALL—Members of President Bollinger’s Freedom of Speech and Press course were taken aback today when they heard the flushing of a toilet within the opening minutes of their lecture. Though unconfirmed, many speculate that the noise came from the instructor as he was the only participant whose microphone was on. (His camera was off, thank god.)

The administration received complaints regarding the President’s copious use of breakout rooms this afternoon; students alleged that the professor did not lecture continually for more than three minutes before hurriedly placing them into breakout rooms with no discussion prompt. Other students report that the President seemed agitated and separated them abruptly. Bollinger did not join any of the breakout rooms, choosing instead to remain in the main room with his camera and microphone off.

Approximately 42 minutes into the lecture, students overheard an exchange between the President and his wife, Jean. They described a frantic banging, presumably on the door of Bollinger’s office, around 4:52 p.m. According to the students, Bollinger turned his camera off, presumably mistaking it for the mute button. Then, the class heard Mrs. Bollinger ask her husband if he had eaten her zuPoo pills, to which he responded with an expletive. He proceeded to explain that he had mistaken them for Ibuprofen, of which he usually takes eight at a time. 

There is no evidence that Bollinger realizes his conversation was overheard, as he resumed the lecture without acknowledging it or his imminent problem. The lecture ended early after yet another overheard conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Bollinger. Again, he mistook the camera button for the mute button. This time Mrs. Bollinger was speaking to her husband from outside of his office, possibly from another floor, so the exchange was slightly muffled. Students could only make out the words “pipe,” “toilet paper,” and “overflowing.” After turning his camera back on, President Bollinger stated that he was having technical difficulties with his Gigabit internet and would be ending the lecture early; this is a claim that students dispute, as premium WiFi would not have such severe issues.


Updated to include this addition at 6:35 PM:


Reports of a flooded building at 116th and Morningside come after its inhabitants were seen evacuating this evening. Witnesses describe a trim man with wispy hair carrying a laptop and a bottle of Ibuprofen jumping into the back of a chauffeured black Audi headed toward Mount Sinai hospital.