Frats Reach Out to Families to Delegate At-Home Hazing Rituals

The abrupt transition to remote learning has left many Columbia clubs and organizations struggling to connect with new students. Fortunately, Columbia fraternities have been quick to ensure that incoming students are able to fully enjoy the integral rush experience. 

The Federalist’s research team uncovered a Tinder bio update from Bret Williams, the chapter president of Kappa Coochie Beta, which outlined the frat’s updated message:

“Wassuh Brothas! This online school shit is not vibing with me. I mean, without in-person classes, how am I supposed to show up to class so hungover I forget to put on my good Sperrys!? Shit’s fucked bro.” 

Williams continued to announce Kappa Coochie Beta’s newest remote initiative:

“Of course, Columbia has an ANTI-HAZING POLICY, so we will be abiding by that rule. OK now that all the narcs are gone, let’s get down to business.

Everyone knows hazing is the best part of any community. We’re making sure our freshmen brothers can experience the humiliation and danger of hazing from the comfort of their homes. We’re asking parents to regulate butt-chugging levels and other essential skills. You must report all records of being shitfaced in the official frat log book which will be signed by a parent or guardian. And if any new recruit has a hot mom, we’re gonna need that info too.

Despite remote learning, we look forward to seeing your smiling, predominantly white, faces.”

At the end of the day, the Columbia community may rest easy knowing that our frats have found a way to ignore the pandemic like it’s a sexual assault allegation against their friend.