How to Find a Mate During the Pandemic


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At The Federalist, we know dating in quarantine is hard. Before COVID, you may have been smooth, but now all of your flirting strategies are so outdated they’re only going to attract a mate from the Cenozoic Era. Times are changing; this is our K-T boundary. (It’s a science thing; look it up.)

Even though we’re in the midst of a pandemic, there’s still so much pressure to meet someone you like, build a symbiotic relationship, and produce 100 zygotes by the age of 27. But don’t worry, we’ve put together a comprehensive guide to ensure that you can still pass on your genes during these trying and unprecedented times.

  1. Perform the dance that you inherited from your father and have practiced frequently. Prune your feathers, make sure they’re nice and plump. Then shake that thing while your love interest watches from above.

  2. Build her a home. Show off your dexterity by building an extravagant structure—decorating with bones, shells, and leaves is very à la mode. Flower petals, too, but those are a bit less classy.

  3. Some mates like to get a bit kinkier than others. But before you get too crazy, remember that mating can be dangerous—be wary that some females may want to eat you. She might lure you in…. just to BITE your head off. Avoid the scarier mates, unless…. you know… you’re into that.

  4. Okay, I get it, we all want to join the mile high club. But you only get to do it once! So if you’re signalling to a cute fuzzy girl when you’re high in the sky, make sure she’s truly your ride or die before she rips your pecker and abdominal tissue out of your body!

  5. What’s the way to any lady’s heart? Urophagia, of course! If it’s mutual, grab a straw—not a plastic one, you monster—tuck it up her urethra, and slurp right up. Be sure to take out any competition with a deadly swing of your long, girthy neck.

  6. Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged by fellow suitors. Any female worth mating with should be pursued by a minimum of 100 males—at the same time. The more the merrier! And if you don’t get the final rose, at least you had a blast and made life-long friends in the process.

  7. We all want a lover who’s symmetrical. If you’re compensating for uneven body parts, just draw some shapes in the sand. If she likes your shapes, maybe she’ll even consider laying her eggs in them. And we all know that’s really what this has all been about.

  8. We’re calling all a cappella fiends who are looking to Metro-bone. Next time you’re with your aca-bros, don’t be shy—whip out a perfect rendition of “For The Longest Time” for the females-in-waiting! Make sure to pop out your air sac to signal you’re truly ready for commitment.

  9. It’s time to take the ménage à trois to the next level! We know you’ve been spending quarantine binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy, so what better way to put your medical abilities to the test? Simply suture your circulatory system to that of your mates (and a carefully-vetted Tinder finds!) so that the three of you can share the nutrients from all of those ramen dinners you’ve been consuming.