“Next season is looking very promising for us,” Declares Columbia Football Coach after every other School Cancels Season

Image courtesy of Columbia University Athletics/Mike McLaughlin

Image courtesy of Columbia University Athletics/Mike McLaughlin

BAKER ATHLETICS COMPLEX–Coming off of a season spoiled by the global pandemic, universities are having to make some very tough decisions about the way in which college sports are to be conducted this year to ensure the safety of players and financial departments. Although many questions remain unanswered, such as “should competitive smoking count as a PE requirement?” and “in what parallel dimension can you possibly find the Dodge pool?”, it is clear to everyone involved that intercollegiate competitions simply cannot take place in the Fall semester.

While this is hugely disappointing news to thousands of varsity athletes around the country, our Columbia Lions can breathe a deep sigh of relief, even elation. “This might well be our best season ever!” commented Line Becker, the Head Coach of the Columbia football team, “We will not lose a single game! When has that ever happened?”

When asked about how he is planning on enforcing the COVID-19 health guidelines, such as the 6-foot social distancing rule, he admitted that those might be difficult to enforce, as the players “just cannot stop chest bumping each other” and “might have to pass the ball farther than 3-feet away from them.”

As of press time, it has been reported that the squash team has asked the New York state prison if they can use its solitary confinement chambers as temporary courts.