CHEF MIKE’S PRIVATE ISLAND—Following President Lee Bolligner’s announcement that the Fall semester will be fully online, Columbia Dining has unveiled a brand new, virtual dining plan to keep milking accommodate students who will not return to campus next month.
“The intention is to provide as much of the experience students had before the pandemic while cutting our costs I mean… keeping everyone safe,” explains Chef Mike. “For example, while you eat virtual salad, you can unmute yourself and turn on your camera if you are feeling social, or not if you’re one of those losers who sits alone in John Jay. Also, for those of you who are nostalgic about late-night JJ’s runs, we will provide awful-quality images of food and allow you to BYOB to simulate the experience. In fact, our new motto is ‘the more you drink, the more you forget.’”
When probed about the astronomical price of $79,000 for a glorified Zoom, Chef Mike pointed out that the plan also includes special events, such as the beloved surf & turf, where students will be treated to a Hawaiian Zoom background, and Dine with Faculty, where students can eat their virtual sandwiches during Zoom classes. “I would also like to highlight our increased sustainability efforts. We are proud to expand our Meatless Mondays to Foodless Semesters! This is something I feel strongly about: no more money waste I mean… food waste!”
When asked if students had the option to not partake in the plan, Chef Mike said, “No. But you will get a free t-shirt so that we can use your body for advertising as a thank you. And remember: don’t be selfish, we are all in this together.”