The following statement is a leaked email that was sent to all the members of a campus fraternity in response to sexual assault allegations against one of the brothers:
BROS. On behalf of the exec board, let me make something very clear: we do not fuck with sexual assault under any circumstances. We’re disgusted and frankly shook to hell by what we’re reading on Columbia Confessions. We didn’t believe it at first when we got six emails from this total rando “Suzanne” “Goldberg.” We believe that when any brother commits such a horrible act it is totally gay. . . not that there is anything wrong with that—we have three gay brothers. We stand with the women who have come forward but wish they would STFU. And with our gay brothers, but also six feet apart.
But listen. Because we’re fucking legit, we hired one of our brothers’ dads to investigate the allegations from Confesh. Honestly, we found no evidence, dude, other than ten witnesses and that DNA test, but as we all know, those things are never really very accurate. When interrogating our bro on the sitch, cuz we take this seriously, he said, “Remember, you were there pongin’ with me the whole night?” And then I was totally like, “Oh, yeah, I guess I was.” Our defense is airtight, really. Plus, in the eyes of New York State law, a beer pong partner is viewed as a spouse, so I wouldn’t have to testify anyway. This falls hand-in-hand with the sacred Bros Before Hoes Doctrine, which every pledge gets tatted on their chest.
But back to the point. Our thoughts and prayers are always with the women. We love all of the women. The trauma of sexual assault lasts long after the darty is over. We obvs believe all women, except if they accuse one of our bros of sexual assault. That’s just not cool, brah. All our Sigma Apple Pie bros are hot as fuck, they don’t need to rape anyone. Did I say we respect bitches? Just like the two phallic fountains on campus, our bros eject nothing but virtue (and sewage) into this world, so they would clearly never, ever commit sexual assault. That’s just downright ridick.
And I almost forgot: I hope everyone is keeping safe amidst all the ‘rona. Can’t wait to blast Mo Bamba in our unfinished basement.
See you bros in the fall.
President of Sigma Apple Pie