Op-Ed: Is Your Professor Really Trying to Defend Jeffrey Dahmer Right Now?


Yes. Yes she is. Oh what, like a woman professor can’t defend Jeffrey Dahmer with well-warranted academic arguments, but a man can just because he has a penis? So yes, your professor is most certainly defending Jeffrey Dahmer right now. She can, it is her right to do so and, furthermore, she should defend him. Because while ole Jeffy-Jeff did some pretty bad things, if we focus just on those we lose the big picture – a vibrant canvas which clearly shows that as a society, we can learn a great deal from this man.

Did Jeffrey Dahmer kill a bunch of people? Sure. Did he masturbate on their corpses? One or two. But what did he do with those corpses after he masturbated on them? He ate them, that’s what he did. Because Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t just a serial killer who once exposed himself to a crowd of women and children at the Wisconsin State Fair; he was one of the first Americans to embrace the waste-free lifestyle.

Nowadays with all those shrink wraps, Keurig pods, and beer pong solo cups, the good people of America have begun to realize the catastrophic effects these products have on the world around us – the world we share. You may already know that it takes 1,000 years for plastic to decompose, but did you know that at the rate we’re going, the world will end before that bag you carried your sushi in from Morton Williams makes its way back to Mother Nature’s warm embrace? Because you are killing the planet, you monsters.

Jeffrey Dahmer may have eaten 17 human beings after he first raped and killed them, but you – that’s right: you – are killing the EN-VI-RON-MENT. Do you know how many people live there? We all do. Therefore, you are worse than Jeffrey Dahmer, by like, I dunno, a million-billion percent.

So yeah, sheeple, maybe you should listen to your professor when she dispenses all the morality she acquired through years of academic research before you throw out her arguments just because the person she’s defending had sex with corpses. Maybe, if you open your mind to new possibilities – which is like, the whole point of college by the way – you’ll find that your preconceived notions were built on shaky foundations. And if you do, perhaps you’ll come to the same conclusion that I did: that if Jeffrey Dahmer were alive today, we would be honored for him to come speak to us at Columbia.

I mean, that’d make a whole lot more sense than inviting Mike Cernovich.

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