Student Calling Dogs “Puppers” Later to Call for Reinstatement of Public Torture


COLLEGE WALK– Jansen Colby, CC ‘19, was seen today fawning over dogs on college walk, repeatedly calling them, “the cutest little puppers to have ever walked on four pupper legs.” He referred to himself as an “Expert Dogspotter” and then about two minutes later, with almost no segue, suggested that our justice system would “just work better if we brought public torture back.”

Though his friends were noticeably uncomfortable with this statement and his accompanying explanation, which included phrases like “learning through vicarious living to avoid crime” and “public torture is just more honest and humane than prison,” Colby continued to discuss the topic while occasionally interrupting his tirade to make faces at dogs. He then began to laugh at how cute a “doggo’s boof”–a dog’s bark–was after quoting from Michel Foucault’s Discipline and Punish, suggesting that ripping a man’s skin off was a much more honest form of punishment than relegating people to prison.

Many friends of Colby were eager to speak about his strange penchant for the two subjects, like Melissa Hemsby SEAS ‘20, who said, “It’s really shocking how quickly he goes back and forth between the topics. One minute it’s all about how annoying it is the res-life people are for not letting him bring his ‘fluffers’ from home  and then the next he’s talking about why bicameralism is a joke when discussing the death penalty in Alabama.” Jordan Chan CC’ 20 was in agreement, stating, “He’s just weird. Like I’ve met some freaks while I’ve been here but he’s got like next-level American Psycho vibes going on.”

When asked about his strangely intertwined thoughts, Colby has this to say: “I know, it’s so strange right? Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus. I can’t really help it! Guess it’s just one of those things!”

Sources report that Colby got continually worked up by both the passing dogs and his argument, drawing attention from strangers who were graced with sentences such as, “that was the best bork I have ever heard from a floof–oh, and we can’t forget the inefficacy of the death penalty! Just hang them! Hang them damnit! Oh, wait is that a thicc boi?”

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