CU Opens New School of General Exercise to Help Nontraditional Students Get Back Into the Gym

UPPER WEST SIDE, MANHATTAN — Lee C. Bollinger, president of Columbia University, has made a long-awaited announcement regarding a new school within the university. While unveiling the highly anticipated Manhattanville campus, Bollinger announced the trailblazing new Jerome Greene School of General Exercise, which is set to open in May 2020.

“I just really thought it was a great idea,” Bollinger explained. “Every time I go to Dodge, I see some random thirty-year-old dripping all over an elliptical. It’s fucking nasty.”

Bollinger explained that the idea for the new school came from personal observations of the undergraduate student culture at Columbia. “These lazy pieces of shit just don’t move,” said Bollinger. “Dodge is like, what, a block away, and you’re gonna complain that it’s too far? Screw all of them, I’ll set this school up in whatever that building where JJ’s Place is.” When The Federalist inquired if the new School of General Exercise was open to CC and SEAS undergraduates, Bollinger commented, “Dude, just get off your fat ass. I see you. I know you skipped leg day.”