Neighborhood Clown Charged with Brightening People’s Day

LEWISTON, ME — In the wake of recent knife-wielding clown violence incidents, friendly neighborhood clown Chubby Chuckles was arrested by Lewiston Police Department, for allegedly threatening to brighten people’s day and possession of marijuana.

A neighborhood patrol car approached the suspect Saturday afternoon outside of what appeared to be Matthew Stevens’ 7th Birthday Bash. When deposed, the arresting officer, Lieutenant Roger Miller, argued, “We weren’t sure if he was concealing a weapon or just a balloon animal. We couldn’t take the risk.”

Miller continued, “These days if I see a clown where I don’t think he should be, then I have just cause to suspect he’s a red-nosed hoodlum, selling godforsaken amusement to the good people of Maine.”

Though the arrest was carried out under the pretense of public safety, civil unrest has erupted. Clown Protection Services, Mimes Against Discrimination, Columbia Jester, and similar student activist groups nationwide have taken to social media with fervor.  The groups claim Chuckles’ arrest is an example of systemic violence against costumed comics. Trending hashtags such as #ClownLivesMatter and #FreeChubby accompanied the social media outcry.

Clowns themselves have long lamented their misrepresentation in the media. Many cite stereotypical portrayals of tempestuous childhoods, fragile male egos, and exoticized images of the clown, all of which serve to deny clowns their psycho-social autonomy. Earlier this year, the hashtag #OscarsSoSadFaced made little impact on clown casting in Hollywood.

Weighing into the controversy, prominent bozo Donald Trump denounced these efforts at equality in last week’s debate, theorizing that “if you let one clown car in, you don’t know how many criminals you’ve let in! Thirty? Forty? Fifty? The number is huge!” Trump went on to conjecture that “just last week, clowns were holding up McDonalds across the country,” and insisted that activists blindly ignore clown-on-clown violence.

The clown debacle is surely to leave a large footprint upon American culture. Momentum has already picked up at Yale University, where activists have banned clown suits for Halloween, deeming them relics of cultural appropriation. President of the Whiffengoofs, Sylvester Stroker, was quoted saying, “Clown-face will not be tolerated! Any student with powder on their nose will be put in a box.”