WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reince Priebus, chair of the Republican National Committee, unveiled the RNC’s new sexual respect education program today, which will become part of a mandatory orientation for future Republican presidential hopefuls.
The program will offer several options to suit the individual learning styles of each candidate. According to Priebus, all options will aim toward a similar goal: “To teach candidates, among other things, not to ‘grab [women] by the pussy’”.
Tech-savvy candidates can choose between several online courses, including “Just Because You’re a ‘Star’ Doesn’t Mean You Should Grope Her”, “If She’s Married, Don’t Try to Fuck Her”, and “Don’t Move on Her ‘Like a Bitch’ Without Asking.”
Those who desire a more hands-on experience can participate in one of many interactive lessons, including “Acceptable Places to Grab Her That Aren’t the Pussy”, a workshop that teaches kinesthetic learners where they should and should not touch women.
Priebus says the program is long overdue, and that no event in particular triggered RNC leaders to require the sexual respect training. “This definitely isn’t targeted at a particular candidate,” Priebus says. “We stand behind all of our presidential hopefuls, but realize we all have room to grow. Everyone needs a reminder once in a while to not reference the debate moderator’s menstrual cycle or their own daughter’s sweet ass.”
Trump himself said on Saturday that a sexual respect education program would have helped him avoid controversy. “If it weren’t for all the political correctness in this country – which is out of control, by the way – maybe somebody would’ve told me not to grab women by the pussy,” Trump said. “Then, I wouldn’t have done it. Believe me, nobody knows how to not do something like I do. Now, hypothetically, if I did it anyways, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell some low-energy Bush about it. Believe me. I don’t even know a Billy Bush.”