High-Speed Traders Write Algorithms To Buy Bacchanal Tickets

WALL STREET – James Sanford, an associate at Acceleration Trading, blasts Rae Sremmurd through his headphones as he writes an algorithm to purchase Bacchanal tickets at nearly the speed of light.

“I’m used to writing code to beat other traders by nanoseconds, but this may be beyond my abilities,” Sanford admitted.  “I’m telling my client to give up and just black out on a McBain bathroom floor like all the other schmucks who lack Olympic browser refreshing talent.”

“I think we’ll start recruiting the Columbia students who bought a ticket,” Sanford continued.  “Can you buy stocks on Eventbrite?”

With the swiftest students confounding expert traders, analysts warn about a growing bubble in the secondary market for Bacchanal tickets.  “We’re seeing crazy valuations on these things,” said Matt Whitman, an securities analyst.  “They’ve traded for a full year’s tuition, a left kidney, and CC section swap with a professor who gives quizzes every class.  It’s unbelievable.”