HAMILTON HALL – Columbia College Dean Valentini, former Chair of the Chemistry Department, was forced to resign after the discovery of a meth super-lab beneath his office in Hamilton Hall.
Reportedly, the beloved dean has spent all of his time since the 2013 finale of Breaking Bad preparing his own recipe for crystal methamphetamine. Unlike the series’ meth, however, Valentini’s crystal will be Columbia blue, also known as Pantone 290 (hex code: #C4D8E2).
Valentini used his newly created Facebook profile to stalk high school dropouts involved in the meth trade and convince them to apply for Columbia, recruiting his own Jesse Pinkman. Sources say he has been spotted at several notorious crack houses in the Tristate area, wearing a Columbia Football cap, telling dealers to get out of his turf or face a soul-crushing eight-class course load in the School of Engineering and Applied Science.
Our reporter made the mistake of addressing him by “Dean James Valentini”. At this point, Valentini lashed out, menacingly demanding our reporter “say his name,” referring to his street name – “Deantini”.
According to Valentini, President Bollinger had stolen the legacy he had intended for his children and used it on beauty products for his luscious hair. President Bollinger has not issued an official comment on the legality of Dean Valentini’s activities, but has stated he hopes that Valentini will remember all that Columbia has done for him and will donate some of his newly-generated wealth to the new “Core to Commencement” fundraising campaign.