Bacchanal Headliner Announced: The Wiggles


You know them from their hit song, “Fruit Salad.” And maybe, if you’re into their deeper cuts, “D.O.R.O.T.H.Y (My Favorite Dinosaur).”

This spring, Columbia students catch their favorite fit Australian children’s music group when the Wiggles bring their sick beats to Bacchanal.

Bacchanal, the yearly spring concert inspired by the pagan ceremonies of revelry and orgies to the god Bacchus, has become surprisingly similar to its ancient Greek origins. In an effort to restore Bacchanal to its more wholesome roots, President Lee C. Bollinger recommended the Wiggles.

Nevertheless, the Wiggles plan to warm up before the show as they always do  with enough bumps of cocaine and Kamikaze shots to make them enjoy their job.  Students will likely find that they identify strongly with the band on the day of Bacchanal.

President Bollinger, a self-admitted Wiggler (the technical term for a Wiggles fan), tells the Federalist he is most excited for his favorite number, “Toot Toot Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car.”  “Some days, I just sit in my Audi and listen to that song on loop,” he said.  “I like to get to know what students on campus are listening to  it helps me connect with them.”

“We refused to let Bollinger invite Barney as a performer for the fall concert,” revealed one Bacchanal committee member who prefers to remain anonymous. “Next thing we know, it’s been cancelled. This time around, it was either the Wiggles or Bollinger himself performing Wiggles music. What choice did we have?”

The Wiggles will be performing in their signature tight long-sleeved shirts and black pants, no matter the weather or what they get pelted with.

Posters saying, “Get Ready to Shake Your Tailfeather,’’ and “Did Somebody Say ‘Hot Potato’?” have been seen over campus to boost excitement for the Red, Yellow, Blue, and decidedly flamboyant Purple Wiggle.

Following the concert will be the planned parties of the evening, “Bear in the Big Blue House Party” and “Out of the Hotbox.”