LOW LIBRARY – After seeing President Lee Bollinger’s hard work in Columbia’s presidential internship program, the University’s Board of Trustees has offered him a full-time position on Monday. “I’m mostly just relieved,” Bollinger admitted. “It was getting pretty hard to make ends meet in this city on my $3 million stipend.”
Before he begins his first real job, Bollinger intends to take a vacation and recharge. “I think I’ll backpack across Europe,” said Bollinger. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”
Above all, Bollinger is excited that he can turn down his backup job with Teach for America. “I’ve always wanted to work in education, but it’s a tough industry. I’m glad I didn’t become a Wall Street sellout like my friends. It took 14 years of hard work, but now I’m doing exactly what I love – posing for headshots in front of Low Library.”
The steady multi-million dollar income accompanying Bollinger’s new job has given him a new sense of financial security. “Now I don’t even have to live at my parents’ in Santa Rosa. It’s gonna be so awesome having my own place in New York for good! There’s so much to do here – museums, concerts, displacing established communities with eminent domain and gentrification. I’ll have the time of my life.” Bollinger may even splurge a little. “I might toss out this junk Audi and get myself a real vehicle. Screw university policy! Maybe I’ll go for a hoverboard or a drone.”
Both Bollinger and the Board of Trustees acknowledged that Columbia is a good fit for the former law professor. Aside from loving the institution’s crippling stress culture, Bollinger appreciates the benefits it offers. The President receives free health care (which provides important value, given the vast quantities of toilet paper and condoms Bollinger is known to slip into his backpack during his visits to Columbia Health). The job also offers Bollinger great networking opportunities, which he has pursued relentlessly via Fireside Chats with promising undergraduates.