NASA Set To Launch Probe To Search For Life Below 110th St.


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a press conference at the headquarters of the National Space and Aeronautic Administration, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced a tentative launch date of May 9, 2016 for a probe that will search for life below 110th St.

The probe, Odysseus, will be launched from East Campus.  After breaching the Earth’s atmosphere, it will travel with a southeastern trajectory along the 1 train line, searching for signs of organic life such as locally-sourced raw milk and non-GMO kale.

At the press conference, Bolden emphasized the magnitude of the endeavor, saying, “Since the dawn of time man has stood on the upper floors of Pupin and looked south onto lower Manhattan, wondering, ‘are we alone in the universe?’”

The mission hasn’t been without its naysayers. On the House floor last week, Senator  Mitch McConnell chastised the Obama administration’s support for NASA’s latest undertaking, saying, “The United States has better things to do than go looking for little green men. If there was anything going on beyond the confines of Morningside Heights we would know about it already.”

Speaking at the conference, Bolden addressed these issues, saying, “We aren’t expecting to uncover intelligent beings, but long established research suggests that the conditions downtown are perfect for harboring life. There’s water and oxygen, and we may very well find evidence that single-celled organisms either did or still do inhabit the area.” He added, “It’s not science fiction.”

The probe sets a bold precedent for future exploration in the surrounding area. Bolden declared, “There’s no reason not to imagine that future missions might go farther. There is still much that science has yet to address about the other boroughs, and our system’s dwarf borough, Staten Island.”