After Obama’s rejection of the Keystone Pipeline today, it’s time for Columbia to pick up the slack. All seventy levels of relevant Columbia bureaucracy should fast-track approval of students’ proposed Keystone Pipeline. The pipeline, stretching from the Colorado rigs used to extract the thick unrefined substance from underground fields, would pump the slime across the country to 114th Street’s frat row. Apart from drawing thousands of engineers out of Butler and into daylight to work in newly-created pipeline jobs, the pipeline would provide cheap fuel for Columbia’s nightlife.
With respect to the Columbia administration, the pipeline would raise much-needed revenue for the endowment and help the school maintain its impressively low tuition costs. The project offers important financial benefits for students as well. No longer needing to support pesky middlemen and local money-laundering operations, students will be able to affordably enjoy themselves in safe spaces at waking hours. Let’s make 8:40 the new 1020: to secure brewery independence for our university’s future, it’s time to approve the pipeline.