With growing pressure from the city in the last few months, the Columbia and Morningside Heights community awaits patiently to see if this is the year the gates finally reopen. Plenty of benefits would arise from the opening of the gates: improved accessibility for elderly community members, a more open urban campus spirit, and the return of spite-filled tiny Upper West Side dogs.
When pressed about what is taking the administration so long, a trustee cited “the general safety of Columbia’s students and faculty.” After pressing further, The Fed was surprised to learn that he mentioned not the potential of protests or “outside agitators,” but rather, the increasing number of designer bags that Public Safety is responsible for.
“We’re really in a totally different place since the last time the gates were open three years ago,” the trustee reported. “Financial aid has gotten much worse in the past year, and that means that the property value of students’ belongings totally changes. Three years ago, we had maybe 50-75 Goyards on campus a day; now we’re in the 100-175 territory. We can’t just let anyone on campus. What if the bags get damaged due to crowding or differences in air density? Or, God forbid, stolen?”
When asked if that tradeoff was worth the struggle of elderly community members who are forced to walk around campus, the board member reminded us that “Old people steal Birkins too! We have four to ten Birkins a day, too. I don’t think you’re understanding me. It’s not just about the money; it’s the cultural significance. Some of these 19-year-olds have parents who waited a year for one of those things.”
He ended by assuring the Columbia community that our campus will remain “a safe haven for those toting designer bags” in place of a normal backpack. “One Columbia.”
