Two score and seven evolutions of The Federalist ago, Fed Founding Zaddy and conservative Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch created Columbia’s premier satirical comedy publication. However, The Fed wasn’t always as universally acknowledged as the funniest student publication on campus. The Fed was originally founded as a right-wing publication for alternative media coverage, oft referred to as “The Federalist Golden Age.” In celebration of The Federalist’s 40th anniversary, and in compliance with Columbia University’s 2025 settlement with the Trump administration, The Federalist will return to Right Wing political content! This move is being referred to as Make The Federalist Great Again (MTFGA pronounced “Muh-tuff-guh”). All praise Supreme Daddy Neil Gorsuch!
If you are curious about the quality of the acronym, it is important to note that the Trump Administration is making sweeping changes behind-the-scenes at The Fed. That’s right, the entire writing team has been fired and replaced by the Columbia University College Republicans! Conservative student Beau Tlicker. Licker has said about the changes, “I think we have a really incredible opportunity to ruin a good thing, and finally start punching up at the real oppressors.” Licker shared that he does not know who that might be.
It is time for The Federalist to return to the quality of The Federalist Papers of Alexander Hamilton fame. Oh my gosh, we JUST saw the musical. It’s incredible; you have to see it. The dancing is so great, and we think it’s a 25-piece orchestra. We feel like we are really late to this, but it’s just been so busy restructuring a student publication. Anyway, as promised, this issue will cover a variety of on-campus issues relevant to Alt-Right student life. In this issue of The Federalist, free-thinkers can find titillatingly reactionary articles such as “Mnookin Vows to Build Border and Make Barnard Pay for it,” “Open Up The Gates (For ICE),” and “Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative: Why I Can’t Get a Girlfriend.”
