Whether to reopen Columbia’s gates has dominated discourse around the University over the past couple of weeks. In a move critics have labelled “an attempt to delay any real action by drowning the issue in bureaucracy,” President Mnookin has made the brave decision to create a committee on the issue rather than actually deciding anything at all.
“I have heard the feedback of our Columbia community in relation to my establishment of a committee on the reopening of the gates,” President Mnookin said in an email to the student body. “Therefore, I have decided to create a committee that will investigate whether or not Columbia has too many committees.” A committee chairman has been chosen, and they are actively looking for members. Reports indicate their shortlist includes the recently laid-off Kristi Noem.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, out of fear his wife’s boyfriend might take away his PS5, the committee chairman said, “ We have to seriously consider whether committees actually lead to anything useful or if they just allow the school administration to act like they want to resolve an issue without actually resolving anything. I expect this committee will reach a swift and unpopular conclusion, probably in the next four to six years.”
Columbia University’s hallowed tradition of committees goes all the way back to the early twentieth century, when a committee decided after years of deliberation to outlaw torture as a way to punish students who didn’t want to learn about what Vergil had for breakfast on October 15, 35 BC.
The Committee on the Necessity of Committees isn’t the only committee in the spotlight this semester, as the Committee on the John Jay Shitter continues its search for the culprit. According to our sources within that committee, it is believed that the Shitter is currently hiding somewhere in Dodge, in a situation similar to that of Saddam Hussein (see below).
