MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, MANHATTAN — In a shocking new demonstration, Columbia students have joined hand-in-hand on Low Library steps in an act of friendship. The Fed confirmed the display began at approximately 8:32 AM: two students crossing the same path locked eyes, gazing into each other with “the force of 1000 sunsets,” and letting a low (wink wink) laugh, finally embraced each other.
Within minutes, the phenomenon only grew. Swarms of enlightened students flooded to Low steps, feeling “compelled by the eternal spirit of friendship,” interlocking hands and arms, and staring off into the distance with “a sense of pride and dignity.” Soon, the chain wrapped around the entire campus—stretching from NoCo to John Jay—finally uniting east and west Butler lawns in an effort to “disband rivalry, ‘cause we’re all in this together.”
University officials have yet to respond, though our sources confirm they are monitoring the situation closely, particularly the demonstrators’ alarming depiction of “genuine connection.” Our sources at The Fed observed security guards to be taking metrics of “every smile shared” and “any eye contact more than three seconds.” However, an anonymous tip confirmed administration is prepared to interfere only if “the essence of the friendship spreads to JJ’s.”
Our Fed Experts, officially coined Fed-xperts, remain conflicted on the movement’s mission. Some argue the movement to be “changing the rhetoric” by “just, like, being there for each other, ya know?” Although some push back by saying the movement lacks any demand, one human chain-er claimed “The demands were the friends we made along the way.”
At press time, the chain still remains intact, with a majority of students refusing to let go unless “someone’s hand is too clammy” or “an arm falls asleep.”
