In her final act as University President, a teary-eyed Claire Shipman looked out towards a beautiful sunset on Columbia’s campus, listened to the distant sounds of cheerful students building a snowman, and dialed up 9-1-1 one last time.
“So many wonderful memories here,” Shipman said while standing in front of Butler library, as sirens wailed in the distance. “I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to sic the police on 19-year-olds in the greatest city in the world.”
“What am I gonna miss most?” Shipman appeared to ask an imaginary interviewer, “That’s easy. The people,” she answered, while extending her arms around a middle aged cop in riot gear and a sleep-deprived Allied Security guard.
“I’ll never forget this place,” said Shipman, “I’ll always remember all those times I reasonably authorized use of force, and when I successfully protected our students from ICE, and especially when everybody cheered for me at graduation. Good times.”
Shipman was seen taking one last wistful look at a police officer drop-kicking a Human Rights major before walking through the gates and into the sunset.
