NEW YORK—Columbia Housing announced Tuesday the rollout of state-of-the-art “Vertical Sleeping Units” across all General Studies residential halls, a space-saving innovation administrators say was inspired by “centuries of proven equine rest methodology.”
“Horses sleep standing up, and they are, as far as we know, fine,” one administrator from Residence Life told us, unveiling a prototype that appeared to be a repurposed phone booth with a chin rest. “We’re excited to bring that same energy to the GS community.”
“In fact”, pitched in Dean Josef Sorret, an avid equestrian competitor and extremely well regarded figure in the dressage component, “my horse, ‘Lil Uzi #3’, prefers to sleep standing.”
The units, which allow Housing to fit 14 students in a standard double, will be mandatory for all GS residents beginning Fall 2026. Another administrator told The Spectador that the design team experimented with “a number of obtuse angles” before settling on the final prototype, a perfect 90 degrees.
When asked whether the units had been tested, Caldwell confirmed that one had been placed in a horse stable in Dutchess County for two weeks. “The horse seemed comfortable,” she said. “We didn’t ask the horse, but it didn’t leave.” Dean Joseff Sorrett noted that “Lil Uzi #3” receives a higher standard of living because, “let’s face it, he’s better looking and more intelligent than 85% of GS students.”
GS students who wish to opt out may apply for a traditional bed through a 47-page housing exemption form, which requires two letters of recommendation and a notarized statement explaining why they cannot sleep standing up.
