White Boy Who Claims to Be at a “Very Chinese Time in His Life” Gets D in Elementary Mandarin

Regularly saying he was “at a very Chinese time” in his life, Engel O’Saxson, CC ’28, decided to enroll in Elementary Mandarin. Unfortunately, a familiarity with screenshotted RedNote memes and a love for Panda Express didn’t seem to help in the classroom. On his very first quiz, he scored a D. “Like what the fuck man,” complained O’Saxson. “My professor is such a hardass! What’s up with all these weird letters? Why so many lines?” When informed that Mandarin can be hard for native English speakers to learn due to being a tonal language, O’Saxson brushed off the concern. “Yeah, yeah, the tones and stuff. Where’s my bao?”