We all heard the hot news on the street last week. Furnald resident Elmer Edwards had worked up the courage to leave his room and do his laundry when he saw it: a condom missing from Furnald’s sturdy supply. The news spread like fire – it was a real fall semester miracle! A win for little old Columbia in a time of so many losses.
Suddenly, new reports of Furnald’s declining condom inventory were cropping up each day. Tuesday saw a decrease of 12. By Thursday, a total of 47 condoms had been taken. The amount of sex happening in Furnald was simply unheard of. Leading experts on the subject gathered around the theory that, filled with years of negated horniness, the Furnaldians had quickly moved past monogamy and discovered orgies.
All of Morningside hunted for a Furnald resident to invite them to the ‘Furnies’, as now-debunked videos began surfacing of the supposed encounters, leading “Furnald twink” to reach top 30 trending on XVideos.
On day 5 of the anomaly, Mothers for a Virgin Furnald appeared as a leading voice as they started conversations with administration to investigate the issue, threatening to sue over paperwork that promised their kids would only kind of figure out hand stuff by the end of the year.
Strangely, despite being the talk of the town, nobody seemed to be able to get a hold of any of the sex-havers. The headlines turned towards the idea of a secret society, the “Horn Lords” as the Spectator called them. But one thing didn’t make sense: Why wouldn’t they want to talk about all the sex they were having?
Then came the collapse. This Monday, a security guard caught a gaggle of six Carman freshmen stuffing their pockets with condoms from the Furnald basement. Interrogations from all seven of Columbia’s different offices of disciplinary investigation revealed nothing to the public, but The Fed’s own anonymous insider from the crew said that they were “just a lot gentler around the base” than Carman’s supply.
So came the end to the story of sex in Furnald. While all throughout there were plenty of skeptics doubting the virility of Furnald as a sex-inducing space, we at TheFed say it’s always nice to believe in the beyond.
