Hey there, Player! Welcome to Five Nights at Dodge, a survival horror simulation where you must endure five grueling weekdays in Satan’s butthole — Columbia’s Dodge Fitness Center. You play as a broke undergraduate student looking to get a good workout session before skipping dinner and downing a Redbull for an all-nighter in Butler. This is your very own guide to navigating these fretful nights. Good luck!
- Never, never, NEVER do cardio. You will end up walking 5–10 laps around the facility just trying to find an open squat rack, machine, or free weights, so just log it into your steps.
- Once you find the following, do as prescribed:
- Squat Rack: Do not leave ANY of your belongings on the actual platform itself. Just linger behind the squat rack or dangle from the bars for no apparent reason.
- Machine: Make sure to spend a solid five minutes watching Instagram reels in between each set. If someone asks to work in, say yes, BUT make direct eye contact with them whenever they do their reps.
- Free weights: If you manage to find the 20lb weights, use them for the entirety of your workout, and then do not return them to where you originally found them. Instead, please place them in an undisclosed corner or separate the pair.
- Please make the most excruciating sounds known to man. This includes but is limited to: grunting, heavy breathing, moaning (without opening your mouth), those little snake “ssss” sounds, groaning, moaning (with opening your mouth), and sensually sighing.
- Be sure to snort a line of pre-workout before every session. Off the ground is fine.
- The best time to have the most enriching experience is from 4:00 PM to 9:00 PM, Monday–Thursday. This has been noted as “Fuck It, Let’s Go Wild!” time, where anything (and everything) goes.
Well, there you are, Player! Get ready for your “winter arc” because We Are Five Nights at Dodge!
