In the wake of a series of undeniably electric performances, the Columbia community is reeling from the fact that, against all odds, a capella music is a potent sexual weapon. The news has been extremely difficult for many on campus to come to terms with. “I didn’t want to like it. I wanted to make fun of it,” says class of 2028 SEAS student Barry Tonelover, “but then I watched them harmonize to the bridge of Chappell Roan’s ‘The Subway,’ and I felt something I’ve never felt before in my entire life. I can’t listen to the normal song anymore. Or any other songs. I don’t even get erections unless I’m watching Pitch Perfect. A capella is the only thing that gets me going now. This is anonymous, right?”
The Office of the President released a statement yesterday addressing the increasingly urgent concerns of the student body. “The hardening effect that incredible a capella music can have on the human body is a challenging reality to face, but one that we must acknowledge if we are to move forward as a community,” the email states, “and we are immediately assembling a task force to manage the needs of the student body.”
Among the most common concerns raised by Columbia students were “frequently searching for videos of showtune mashups,” “striking attraction towards ten people who are dressed about the same,” and a “desire to audition next semester.”
