Last evening, all Columbia College students who made the Dean’s List for the Spring 2025 Semester received notification. To make the Dean’s List, students must have a GPA of 3.6 or higher in 12 or more points of letter credit. However, several students were confused when the mother of classmate Jordan Jortson posted a screenshot on Facebook from Josef Sorett, Dean of Columbia College, congratulating Jordan on making the Dean’s List. The caption read “My little raspberry scone made this Minnesota momma real proud this semester at Colombia U!” Jordan, though not well known for his academic prowess, is infamous on campus for wearing Jorts 365 days a year, no matter the season.
Jordan, who was unsure how to access his email, was equally confused as his fellow classmates. A rising junior studying Economics, Jortison reported that his Vergil account (which his girlfriend, legitimate Barnard Dean’s List student April Legging, helped him log into) said that he had a 2.34 GPA last semester.
After copious investigation of jort-wearing students, The Fed found that this was not an isolated incident. Several other Columbia College students with low GPAs and a chronic tendency to wear jorts have reported the same phenomenon. In an interview with The Fed, a flustered Dean Sorett explained, “umm… yeah… yeah I know their GPAs were a little bit lower. But like, have you seen their jorts? Those kids are just so cool! I just wanted to give them a little head nod. Like yeah, game recognizes game.”
With these new standards for Dean’s List qualification, The Fed expects to see a 64 percent decrease in GPA, and a 83 percent increase in exposed calves around campus this fall.
