Due to a lack of dormitory space for Columbia’s largest freshman class, Columbia facilities has hired an entire Amish community to build new student housing. Living up to their reputation for efficiency, these religious, rural-living fabrication fanatics have completed work at record pace.
However, construction was temporarily halted several days in when the Amish went on strike due to nourishment concerns: John Jay and Ferris reportedly did not supply freshly-churned butter for the workers’ lunch, a serious concern for many of the laborers. The issue was eventually resolved, though there has been some student discontent over lawn access, as the workers have been using the iconic Butler greens to stable their horses and pasture their dairy cows.
Reportedly, the Amish laborers also have a side hustle going, letting students go on carriage rides for extra cash. One of The Fed’s sources tipped off a Sidechat ad reading: “Can’t afford a car in Manhattan? Dates aren’t impressed by public transportation? The answer is simple: Carriage rides for the low price of $39.99 an hour. Your girl will be begging for premarital hand-holding.” The big city seems to have sparked a primal entrepreneurial ambition within the Amish community, and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down: rumor has it the Amish have signed a contract with Columbia to teach agriculture classes at the climate school.
